


still we're caught between all this sorrow

by rockpaperruby



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Mentions of Suicide, basically what i go through when i have depressive episodes but shown through aaron, depressed Aaron, discussion of self-harm scars, nothing too graphic i don't think, self-harm tw, supportive adam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-05 07:41:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6695875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rockpaperruby/pseuds/rockpaperruby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron feels low but has some help</p>
            </blockquote>





	still we're caught between all this sorrow

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fanfiction for about 5 years or so and it's the first one that i've put on this site so i feel i may need an introduction. i'm Ruby (16 - she/her) and i'm trying to get back into writting but it has been hard. i keep saying i'll post stuff when i think it's good enough for all of you but tbh i will never think anything i write is good enough so i'm going to just bite the bullet and post this to try and get the ball rolling. it's not my best work as i'm pretty rusty so please bare with if there are loads of mistakes. if u could give kudos (or even write a comment) that would be amazing <3 i'll stop rambling now sorry
> 
> title from 'little shadow' by yeah yeah yeahs 
> 
> ALSO make sure to read the tags because this has some potentially triggering materiel in it and disclaimer - i do have depression but no two people's experience with depression is the same so yeah, just keep that in mind. i have written about what i know so it may not be universal

Aaron could sense the fog looming in his head late that evening when he goes to brush his teeth but ends up in bed instead. This happened every now and again, maybe close to once a month. He didn't know if everyone like him experienced it like this, but to him his depression was quite recognisable in the early stages.

He starts to feel this tiredness deep in his bones as his head is slowly filled with a thick haze. When he was younger this was about the time that he would get angry; he would blame the world and the people around him for his feelings and experiences. As he grew up he learned to take this anger at sadness out on himself, but now he knows that just isn't sustainable. He only has so much skin.

Thanks to the issues that he has had due to his silence when experiencing what he now knows as 'depressive episodes', Aaron has come to terms with the fact that this is the stage that he has to reach out. As helpless as he feels when he does it he knows that without the support he's had from his friends and family he wouldn't be alive right now.

That's why the next morning when he felt the urge to roll back over and sleep for a few years, he reached through his own personal dark cloud for his phone.

"Hey man, what's up?" Adam's voice (cheerful as always) comes through the tinny speaker. For a second Aaron was tempted to play it off, feeling guilty about thinking that he had the right to bring down Adam's mood. However he had been on the receiving end of one too many frustrated yet reassuring rants about how he has never been, nor ever will be, a burden. Aaron pushed away the guilty thoughts and said in a gravely sleep-stained voice,

"Uhh, yeah not much. Just-" he coughed awkwardly "no one's at the house at the moment... and... don't, don't feel like you have to, but you said that- well you said if I ever, if I ever needed-" he sighed at how difficult it was to spit the words out but then heard a small chuckle from the other end of the line.

"I got you mate, was actually just grabbing us a coffee. You want one?"

"Yeah, thanks Adam." They both knew Aaron was thanking him for more than just the coffee.

"See you soon then man."

"Yeah, see you in a bit." Aaron clicked his phone off and sets it down on his pillow before he got up and walked toward his mirror.

Whoever thought that it was a good idea to give Aaron a full length mirror in his room was obviously not thinking hard enough. Over the time spent in this room, that mirror had been a gateway to many problems. However, in recent days Aaron hasn't felt the same disgust for his reflection; he no longer saw something repulsive when he looked at his own skin. He thought that this may have something to do with finally having a diagnosis to explain that he wasn't weak or pathetic or any of the other labels he gave himself - he was ill.

Aaron will probably never be one to love his reflection, but learning to tolerate it was definitely happening (albeit slowly).

The surprisingly warm summer air was swirling around the house and, as a part of a task from his therapist to 'accept the skin he's in', Aaron had ditched his usual dark long-sleeved t-shirt in favour of a light grey vest. Most of his scars had faded to the recognisable sliver-white, but some of the deeper more recent ones still appear angry and red on his pale skin. Tracing over them lightly with his calloused finger tips, Aaron could feel the slightly raised change in the terrain of his skin.

Aaron couldn't be sure how long he had been zoned out for but it must have been a bit too long because Adam was soon bursting into the room, two coffees in his hands. Through the shock of the somewhat sudden intrusion, Aaron vaguely registered that Adam had been knocking at the door before, he just hadn't reacted. Aaron must have been more zoned out than he thought.

"Aaron mate!" Adam was slightly out of breath and looking scared. "Jesus" He exhales a large breath when he saw Aaron simply standing there, "I thought you, thought you had-"

"Done something stupid, I know - sorry" Aaron interrupted, sounding tired.

They both stood for a few seconds and as Aaron saw Adam's eyes skimming over his scarred arms he had to fight the urge to hide them behind his back. _This is progress Aaron - accept them_.

“Admiring the art work are you mate?” He extended his arms and turned them over and back again a few times, inspecting. Adam chuckled and walked over to pass Aaron his coffee.

“They’re not so bad man, pretty faint most of them.”

“Yeah, not all of them but there’s no point waiting for them to fade completely – that’s not going to happen.” Aaron sighed. “Figure I best get used to them now that they’re here to stay.”

Adam chuckled again, but obviously felt a little awkward about the scars. _That makes two of us mate_.

“So,” Adam clapped his hands, “let’s get this going then shall we? Stick the telly on.” Aaron laughed lightly but did as he was told.

They had actually put the TV in Aaron’s room specifically for moments like these, something that he had grumbled about at the time but had come to appreciate a lot. When going through his depressive episodes, during the worst of it, Aaron found that he was happy to just sit with one or two other people and recuperate, something that his therapist keeps telling him he should have no shame in. However, thanks to the nosey nature of the village and its inhabitants, it’s hard to just ‘sit around’ without gossip circulating that he was on the edge and about to try and off himself. Again.

Now that Aaron was trying to leave that part of his life behind and not let himself get back into that head-space it really hurt that people still used him for coffee gossip. The amount of times he has had to awkwardly interrupt peoples’ discussions about him being ‘unstable’ and ‘a danger to himself and everyone around him’ probably rivals the number of conversations he’s overheard about his sexuality. Which was a lot.

So, despite his initial resistance, Aaron had learnt to appreciate the little things like a TV in his room, his best friend beside him and a warm coffee in his hands. After all, they meant that during the bad days he could deal with his depression however he needed to away from prying eyes.

But despite making so much progress, he had to wonder if he would ever be seen as anything more than the messed up kid with a few too many issues by the majority of the village. He certainly hoped so.


End file.
